O Valentine, Where Art Thou?

Sidin gives some tips on how to get your Valentine on his rediff column, and another-frustrated-single-male calls him idiot for wasting the time. Sakshi gives an Agony Aunt advise to a frustrated-lonely-single-guy. And eM gives a quick guide on women. Had I seen these blogs earlier I would have behaved differently than how I did. I was hooked on to TV more than blogs and got my ideas from those 'idiot box' advertisements where man-gets-a-women in 10 to 15 seconds.

• It was the close-up advertisement that initially got my attention. They showed how it is important to have full-mouth-open-to-public-laugh to get your girl interested apart from using the close-up toothpaste. I was already using close-up then, but started being conscious to open my mouth wide open while laughing , which gave me some initial attention from the people around but did not end up in any relationship. Overtime some of them got so uncomfortable that they stopped smiling at me, forget sharing those funny (poor) jokes which was our major time pass in office. I am still using close-up, but have considerably reduced the area formed out of my open mouth while laughing. For a change I am not sure whether to try Colgate or Pepsodent, those ads still show kids as if the toothpaste is not yet ready for grown up adults.
  

• I would not have had the habit of tasting mints, had it not been for the minto-fresh ad in which the coolie gets the heroin because his teeth were sparkling and breath was seductive after eating mint-o-fresh. I tried just eating it for a while, and began directing my open mouth to those girls whom I wanted as my valentine but the results were nothing positive. I have been searching for that new Mint (without poison-marijuana-etcetera) which this guy in the ad uses to seduce none other that Celina Jaitley.
  

• My hopes of getting a girl in this janam were fading when I noticed those very very sexy ads of Set-Wet hair gel. I wanted to look like the angrez guy who had white and brown hair set in umpteen directions as if he was electrocuted. I tried to empty half the tube of gel on my head to create the 'electrocution', but all I could manage was the wet look without anything sexy about it. All day in the office, people were asking if I forgot to shampoo my hair after applying oil. A fellow female colleague whom I thought had some interest in me was giggling whenever she saw me on the floor that day, particularly after I combed my hair to get the 'mafia' look! I tried those set-wet body sprays as well which came to market a little later but was of no use, this time I had no big expectations though.
  

• Then I saw that wonderful ad which was any man's dream any day. Millions of bikini clad women chasing a man wearing an underwear on a beach, all because he just used the latest deodorant from Axe. I thought I had been wasting my time with Set-Wet and immediately got one Axe. But after prolonged excessive use of it before going out (including a trip to the local market to buy fish), no woman even asked me what was the smell. Instead some of them complained to my company human resources that they are getting head aches because of the excessive smell inside the air conditioned room, so I had to stop using it. After all, your first preference is for survival then only comes the valentine.
  

• Abhishek Bachchan is a well known actor now, people say had it not been for his father it wouldn't have been possible for him. But Aamir Khan says in Tare Zameen Par that junior Bachchan became famous because he had Dyslexia. I did not think twice before buying that Motorola mobile phone which Abhishek endorsed, the ad shows how difficult was it for him to get a girl until he bought one of those phones. If his father, hard work or even Dyslexia could not help him to get a girl which the phone could, why should I think twice? But even after the phone crashed exactly one month after its warranty period was over, I could not find a girl who had a crush on me!
  

• I was getting tired of trying, valentines day was fast approaching which made me more desperate. I had made up my mind to do anything when I saw the frenchie-x underwear ad on TV, a girl resists all attempts by her boy friend to take her to bed until she saw him wearing nothing else but a frenchie-x. It looked a real cool method to me, I went and purchased one dozen frenchie-x undergarments and started wearing them right away. It was then that the real difficulty of this method struck me. As shown in the ad, I did not have an option to go in front of my/any girl wearing just the undergarment. So, I had no other option while I went near the girl but hope that she would understand that this fully dressed gentleman has worn this 'cool' thing inside. But till today girls have failed to understand, I could not do anything dangerously daring and remains single on this Valentines Day as well.

There are other advertisements of bike, car and almost-everything-under-the-sun that shows a single handsome guy finding his girl when he uses the product. I can't afford to try all of them, so I have been selecting the cheaper (pun intended) ones. What have you been trying?